Body confidence and feeling at home in yourself

How we feel about our bodies can shape how we feel about pleasure. On a good day, it is easy to feel relaxed and at home in yourself. On a harder day, worries about how you look, or simply feeling disconnected from your body, can make intimacy feel like one more thing to get right. If that sounds familiar, you are far from alone.

This guide is general information, not medical advice. If thoughts about your body are causing you distress, please speak to your GP.

Are body image worries common?

The Mental Health Foundation's research into body image in the UK found that worries about body image are common across all ages and genders, and that for some people those feelings are linked with stress, low mood and anxiety. Social media, advertising and comparing ourselves with others can all play a part.

Body confidence is not about loving every inch of yourself every day. Many people find a more realistic aim is a kind of neutral respect: appreciating what your body does for you, and treating it with care, even when you do not feel especially confident.

Which small habits may help?

The NHS has a self-help guide to raising low self-esteem, and its suggestions apply well to body image too. Some people find these ideas helpful:

• Notice your inner voice. If you would not say it to a friend, try not to say it to yourself.
• Recognise what you are good at. Confidence is about far more than appearance.
• Curate your feed. Muting accounts that leave you feeling worse is a simple, practical step.
• Be assertive about what you want. That includes in relationships and intimacy.
• Move in ways you enjoy, for how they make you feel rather than how they make you look.

Can pleasure be a form of self-care?

For some people, solo pleasure is a quiet way of reconnecting with their body on their own terms. There is no audience, no one to impress and nothing to perform. It is simply a chance to notice what feels good, at your own pace.

If you would like to explore, a few things can make it feel more comfortable:

• Start small. A compact, discreet design can feel less intimidating. The Rouge Lipstick Bullet is the size of a lipstick and looks more like a beauty accessory than a toy.
• Choose a lovely finish. Something that feels beautiful to hold makes the experience feel like a treat for yourself. The Argent Rechargeable Bullet has a mirror-polished silver finish that catches the light like fine jewellery.
• Take your time. Our guide to finding what you like is all about curiosity rather than goals.
• When you feel ready for more, the Duet Dual Massage Wand has two motors, each with its own button and ten modes, so you stay in control of how much or how little.

There is no right body for pleasure, and no right way to enjoy it. If you share intimacy with a partner, our guide to talking to a partner may help you share what feels good.

When should you look for more support?

Most of us have days when we feel less confident. But if worries about your appearance are taking up a lot of your time, affecting your mood, or stopping you doing things you would otherwise enjoy, it is worth talking to someone. The NHS suggests speaking to a GP if low self-esteem is affecting your daily life, and has information about body dysmorphic disorder, a recognised condition where people spend a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. Support is available, and asking for it is a strong step.

Sources and further reading

• Mental Health Foundation: Body image report, executive summary
• NHS: Raising low self-esteem
• NHS: Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)
• NHS Every Mind Matters: Stress