Finding what you like

Everyone's body and preferences are different, and they can shift with mood, energy, stress, the time of month or simply the time of day. Finding what you like is less about discovering one perfect setting and more about getting to know yourself with patience and curiosity.

This guide offers a gentle framework for exploring, plus a few words on the vocabulary you will see on product pages, so you can choose your next toy with confidence.

How do you start exploring a new toy?

Think of exploring a new toy as a tasting menu rather than a test. Try a little of each speed and pattern, notice your response and move on. Nothing has to be a favourite, and nothing has to be repeated if you did not enjoy it.

A simple way to explore over a few sessions:

1. Session one: stay on the lowest speeds. Notice how gentle vibration feels with light and firmer pressure.
2. Session two: try each pattern briefly. Which ones make you want to stay a while?
3. Session three: return to your favourites and play with building intensity slowly.
4. Later: mix it up. Try a different time of day, a warm bath or a little lube and see what changes.

Rumbly or buzzy?

One of the most useful things to learn is whether you prefer a deeper, "rumbly" vibration or a lighter, "buzzy" one. Larger motors usually create rumblier sensations that many people describe as fuller and more resonant. Smaller, faster motors create a buzzier, more focused feeling.

A slim bullet like the Bijou Classic Bullet gives focused vibration through its tapered tip, while the Duet Dual Massage Wand has a soft, rounded head for broader, rumblier massage and a curved tail for something more focused, so you can compare both in one toy. If you have only tried a buzzy toy before, a rumbly one can feel like a revelation, and vice versa.

Our guide to power and speeds explains how motors, speeds and patterns relate.

How do speed, pattern and pressure change the feel?

Three things shape how a toy feels:

You may find that a lower speed with firmer pressure feels better than a high speed held lightly, or the opposite. There is no right answer, only yours.

Can your preferences change with your mood?

Preferences are not fixed. On a busy, stressful day you might want something gentle and steady; on a relaxed weekend you might enjoy more variety. Hormonal changes, including those around the menopause, can also affect sensitivity for some people. Our menopause and pleasure guide covers this with links to NHS information, and if you notice changes that concern you, speaking to your GP is a good idea.

Keep your favourites close

Once you know what you enjoy, some toys make it easier to return to. Some app-controlled toys let you save favourite patterns; with a simpler toy such as the Lune Rechargeable Mini Bullet, one button cycles through its ten modes, so finding your favourite again only takes a few presses.

Not ready for an app? Simply jot down a note of the speeds and patterns you liked best. It sounds unromantic, but it helps when you come back to a toy after a break, or when you are choosing a new one. Our quiz can then suggest a toy that matches.

Be kind to yourself

Some days you will discover something wonderful; other days nothing will quite click. Both are part of the process. Pleasure is not a skill you pass or fail. If you feel stuck, change one thing: the setting, the time, the lighting or your expectations.

If you are exploring with someone else, share what you have learned. Our guide to couples play has ideas for bringing those discoveries into a relationship.